Seen and Heard: Ode to Little Boys

My friend Tara’s girls were 9 and 11 when she welcomed home her baby boy last year. Bryan and I chuckle when we imagine all the adventures they are in for. Boys are just so different!! When I was pregnant with Michael, my friend Lisa was so excited for me. “Oh, little boys love their mamas,” she said – and it’s true. Michael is so very different from Leah. I am finding my way in parenting a son. He is a boy’s boy and at 72 pounds in a full run, he can clip me! I have grown adept at blocking a running tackle and have become an expert on Ninjago.

Tara, this edition of Seen and Heard is just for you and the great adventure you’re beginning…

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Michael: “Oops. I just spilled my water.”

Me: “Well, get a towel and clean it up.”

<several minutes later>

Michael: “I just used some of my dirty underwears to clean it up.”

Michael: “Mommy, why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?”

Me: “I don’t know. Why?”

Michael: “Because the ‘P’ is silent. Get it?!? Get it, Mommy?!? The pee is silent!!! Get it?!?”

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Michael: “Mommy, I love you soooooo much. I love you more than you even love me.”

Mommy: “Michael, I love you more than you can imagine.”

Michael: “In Dragonvale, I am your Love Dragon.”

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Michael – after Sunday School: “What is Judah? Where is that?”

Me: “Well, it’s part of what we now call Israel.”

Michael: “And I suppose they do a lot of Judo in Judah?”

Me: “I don’t think it works that way.”

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Michael: “When I grow up, I am going to live as a hermit in a hut on the plains of Africa and be an animal expert.”

Me: “Do you think you’ll ever feel lonely being out there by yourself?”

Michael: “No – because you’re going to come visit me.”

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Michael: “I am going to build our house when I’m a grown up.”

Me: “Sounds nice.”

Michael: “I hope you don’t want a big house because this will be small…  just a hut with a grass roof.”

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Michael: “I used to be a big talker, but now… not so much.”

(Anyone who has been around Michael as recently as, oh today will know why that is funny!)

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Michael – at dinner commenting on my homemade barbecue hot pockets: “It looks terrible and it smells bad, but it’s kinda tasty – sort of like sweat. Ya know?”

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Michael – loudly – as we are seated in a restaurant: “Mommy! Look! There’s people dating right next to us!”

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Michael – in Waffle House: “Leah, you should get a waffle. It’s Waffle House. It’s not Chicken Salad House. It’s not Sausage Biscuit House. It’s Waffle House. I’m getting the extra-large man-sized waffle.”

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Michael to Bryan: “Daddy, truth or dare?”

Bryan: “Truth, I guess.”

Michael: “Who was the first girl you took on a date?”

Bryan: “Well, I guess that would be ********* *****.”

Michael: “Oooooooooooooooo! Mama! Daddy just admitted his secret lover that he used to love!”

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Leah to Michael: “Truth or dare?”

Michael: “Dare.”

Leah: “I dare you to say you kissed **** ****** even if it’s not true!”

Michael: “No! You don’t have to do a dare if it would be life threatening and that would be life threatening so NO!!!!!”

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Michael’s friend Tucker – looking at a picture of me as a teenager: “That’s you? Who was your boyfriend?”

Me: “Well, I didn’t have a boyfriend then but I had a big crush on a guy named ***** ******.”

Tucker: “Was he big and strong?”

Me: “Well, he was tall.”

Tucker: “What sport did he play?”

Me: “He played the trombone.”

Tucker: “What?!? The trombone?!? Why would you have a crush on someone who plays the trombone?!? Oh, Mrs. Kim, that is terrible!!!”

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Michael – delighted: “You said the CRACK of dawn. CRACK of dawn! Get it? Crack!! <pointing to his bottom> Crack like bootie! Like your bottom! Like your you-kn0w-what! Get it, Mama? Crack!!!”

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Michael – saying the prayer at dinner: “Dear God, thank you for today. Thank you for everything you have given us. Thank you for this… ummmm… Please help Mommy change her mind about making me eat this chicken salad. Amen.”

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Our friend Andrew: “I am never getting married that way I will have more money and I can buy myself a mansion and rich stuff.”

Michael: “I am never getting married either. It’s just going to be me and my dog! That’s it!”

Andrew: “Oh, you’ll get married someday – whenever your pet snake dies.”

Michael: “That’s exactly why I can never get married! My boy will get bitten by my rattlesnake and my girl will scream and jump out the window and my wife will cry because she lost her children.”

Me – cringing: “Oh good grief! You don’t have to get married!! Just be sure you have good people in your life!”

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This one is from a year or two ago but it merits inclusion…

Kristina-the-neighbor: “A naked boy just ran through your yard!!!”

Me: “What?!? OMG!!! That’s crazy!!! Who is it?!? How old is he?!? Did you see who it is?!?”

Kristina: “Hang on… hang on… hang on… Yup, it’s Michael. Sorry. Sorry!!!”

Me: “Of course. Great. I’ll go get him.”

 

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